A E I O U

It sure has been quite a bit, hasn't it? So I guess just stay a while and listen.

I wanted to broach the topic of words today. It's been on my mind the last couple of days, because it's a strange thing, isn't it? That humans decided on what to use as words, just a series of sounds strung together. But that they still mean so much, that they can make you feel so much.

Words can make you happy, sad, upset, or anything else, really. It's a very strange thing to think about if you look at it like that. People always say actions speak louder than words, but I believe that words can have more power than actions often of times. That they can have a longer lasting effect, be that positive or negative.

And then there's even the subject of the lack of words. When a person doesn't talk to you, it suddenly hurts. Why is that? We know words can make us feel things, but how come the absence of words can make us feel just as much? We value words very highly, but there's plenty of situations where words aren't necessary to get the message across, or to explain your actions.

Holding your lover in your arms as they cry is a good example for a situation where you don't need to use any words. Giving a smile of appreciation, a nod to a stranger you see on the street, these are all non-verbal ways for us to communicate and where words don't need to be said. And is that because we make up the words in our own head when it happens or is it simply because we understand the actions and intent behind it all?

To change gears a bit, even now, as you're reading this (well, I hope someone at least is!) my words are making you think about things, maybe even making you feel certain emotions as you think back of those scenarios and possible memories and remember how things made you feel.

Words have a very strong impact on people. And the worst of all? You can never take back what you said.

Telling of tales

I've been mulling over this post for quite a while now. I feel like it's a little bit out of the norm of what I usually write about, which makes it quite tricky to put it into words while also still trying to respect privacy and keeping some distance between the internet and life itself.

With that said, however, I want to go ahead and make an attempt to do so.

As I've mentioned in several posts in the past, I've been struggling financially and living in poverty for quite the longest time now. I would like to open up a bit about that and give some more insight into my situation. But don't worry, things finally seem to be over and are in the upswing again.

Anyhow, to not dance around the subject any longer, it all started back on July 28th of 2012, so that's quite a while ago. My mom called me up from Serbia, where her and my dad live, and she told me quite some terrible news: my old man was in prison.

For my American audience the crime might seem more harsh than what it would be for, say, Dutch people. But to sum it up: he got caught with 2 KG (that's 4.4 lbs for you US folks) of weed. To put that into perspective of how much laws differ country to country; in the Netherlands you would get a slap on the wrist and you would be forced to some community work.

But Serbia looks at it completely differently. Over there, the minimum jail sentence is 3 years and it can go as high as 12. So as you can imagine, for someone who lives in the Netherlands, this all sounds quite absurd. Because it meant best case it would mean he'd be locked up for 3 years.

At the end of it all, he got 3 years, 3 months and 3 days. Luckily, due to laws and some more complicated stuff, he's getting out on March 6th 2014.

So, the reason poverty started after that is due to the fact that the old man's income got cut off along with all the extra money he funneled back here. I don't want to go into details as to how I stayed afloat for so long or how terrible the times were, because this is not a sob story. It really isn't. Promise. But let's just say that it was very rough and I ended up losing 23 KG (50 lbs) due to simply not having a lot to eat.

With that in mind as well, I would also like to thank all my friends who have helped me out during this time. I hope I expressed it enough to them in person, but if not, then let it be publicly known that each and every one of you are literal life savers.

But I digress--things were manageable during the early months of his sentence, mostly talking about the first 8 months or so. But then more bad news came my way, which was even more unexpected than the phone call I got from my mom back in July. Due to a chain of random coincidences, on April 6th 2013 I ended up discovering than my now-ex had been having an affair behind my back for 3 months.

Again, I don't want to go into details because this post does not exist to shame or call people out in a bad way. The circumstances don't really matter, the bottom line is that I was devastated and fell into quite a deep depression. I picked up smoking, sleep turned into a weekly thing and taking care of oneself was never on the agenda.

Once more, I want to regurgitate that I have amazing friends who were there for me whenever I needed them, no matter what day or time it was, who helped me through a lot of it.

Quite honestly, the next couple of months were a bit of a blur and I don't remember much of it, just that things kept getting worse and worse, financially and health-wise. But this brings me to the meat of the post, ironically, all the way towards the end of it; July 4th 2013, almost a year after my dad had been locked up, I ended up going on Omegle out of sheer boredom.

I can't really answer why I went there, let alone why I stuck around disconnect after disconnect just for being male. But really, did I have anything better to do? No, I didn't. So I kept going from person to person, not really getting past the any kind of introduction before people scurried off in search for the other sex.

But, good things come to those who wait. At least, that's what I'd say if it didn't sound so cheesy. But I finally found someone to talk to, and against all odds, it turned out to be a girl. Now, of course, I wouldn't be typing this if it just ended there. So you guessed it, we ended up adding each other on Skype afterwards and have kept contact ever since.

And for those with an even keener eye, who have been reading between the lines (or I guess, blog posts in this case) can now connect some dots of certain posts. And for those who can't or have simply forgotten my older posts, it simply comes down to me falling head over heels for her.

Now, I won't go on about how amazing or great I think she is, because this post is getting awfully long already, so I'll skip the gushing and fawning. But rest assured, she's brilliant. You're just going to have to trust me on that.

Of course, as mentioned earlier, this story actually has a happy ending. For her and I have been serious for quite some time now, and I can genuinely say that I'm a much happier person since I've had the pleasure of meeting her. Now, no one knows what the future holds, but as the Magic 8 Ball would say: "Outlook good."

So, to the special lady out there: Thank you.

Swelling with...

You know the feeling you sometimes get about someone else? The one that starts from within you, making you swell, and when it does happen, you can't help but let the other person know? Being proud of someone is a very interesting feeling.

What? Did you think I was talking about something else? Pervert.

Anyway, the reason as to why I think it's interesting is because why does it really happen? Usually it comes up in a situation where the other person stepped out of the comfort zone, and did something they usually wouldn't do, right? But why does that makes us feel good? When we feel pride in something we do, it's usually related to an accomplishment or something you feel good about making/doing.

So why, generally speaking, isn't the same applied when feeling proud of other people? It's not an on-going thing, usually. It happens once in the moment when they do it, and generally after that it becomes "normal" for them to do it again. Why is this?

But, to take a step back with this, where does pride come from? Do we feel proud about other's accomplishments because we didn't expect them they could do it, but wanted them to be able to? Is it because we imagine us in their shoes, thus feeling good about ourselves and them? But if it's the former, isn't that technically a bad thing? Because you're expecting them to not be able to do something--shouldn't you always have a positive attitude in regards to what your loved ones can accomplish?

Either way, just another ramble coming from me, I had no idea where I was really going with this. I think I just wanted to make the initial joke with this post.

Looking back

As another year rolls by, it reminded me of how it is to look back on things in life. And not just a year or anything like that, but over a long period of time.

Sometimes, while you're in the moment of something in your life, it feels great. Maybe even shortly after that it can still feel great. We've all experienced this, we all know this too well.

But is that really how things were? Were they really as great as you remember them to be, or is that you just tricking yourself because you don't want to remember things being bad? After all, if you remember things being bad, wouldn't you have sort-of just wasted your time with them? Of course, this mostly applies to things such as school, work, relationships, etc.

I've been personally mulling things over lately, and I've drawn that conclusion. Things weren't as great as they seemed at the time, and it took me a lot of perspective and a fresh breath on things to actually realize that. Now, by no means does this mean nothing was ever good, far from it. It just means that at the end of the day, you want to be happy. And you'll jump through hoops to convince yourself that you are happy, rather than accept facts sometimes.

Or maybe it's that things were never bad? Maybe, just maybe, you move on to a better point in your life and things just seem bad in comparison, because you're used to so much better. A good example of this would be an abusive relationship, or finding a job that you actually love.

Either way, whatever the case may be, cherish the good moments you have but don't hide the bad ones by lying to yourself.

Happy New Year everyone, here's to a better 2013 2014!

Bouncing around

Rebound. Everyone is familiar with that word, be it through their own experience or seeing it happen in front of their eyes. Maybe you've been a rebound to someone before? Either way, it's not a word we're strangers with.

But what does it mean, really? What qualifies someone as a rebound? Is it a time period after your relationship has ended? Is it just the next thing that comes along afterwards? Does it qualify as a rebound if it's not a short fling, though? When does it stop being a rebound and turn into actual affection and a 'real' relationship?

Moreover, when you're in the rebound phase, how can you tell? Does your brain know when you're simply using someone as a rebound? Or are you just blinded by the fact that you miss your old relationship? And if not, if you're totally oblivious to it being a rebound, can it really be called a rebound then? After all, it feels just like the real thing.

And to jump back a tiny bit, let's say the rebound turns into something more than a short fling, and you break up after a year or two, does it still count as a rebound at that point or not?

I think what it comes down to, is after your relationship ends, for whatever reason, you look for a replacement. Any sign of affection from anyone goes straight to the heart and you can't get enough of it. And after a while, you might realize if you two click or not. If you do, it stops being a rebound and a fling, but if it doesn't, it ends, and ends up qualifying as a fling/rebound.

Either way, that's enough rambling for now. Let me know what you think.