A E I O U

It sure has been quite a bit, hasn't it? So I guess just stay a while and listen.

I wanted to broach the topic of words today. It's been on my mind the last couple of days, because it's a strange thing, isn't it? That humans decided on what to use as words, just a series of sounds strung together. But that they still mean so much, that they can make you feel so much.

Words can make you happy, sad, upset, or anything else, really. It's a very strange thing to think about if you look at it like that. People always say actions speak louder than words, but I believe that words can have more power than actions often of times. That they can have a longer lasting effect, be that positive or negative.

And then there's even the subject of the lack of words. When a person doesn't talk to you, it suddenly hurts. Why is that? We know words can make us feel things, but how come the absence of words can make us feel just as much? We value words very highly, but there's plenty of situations where words aren't necessary to get the message across, or to explain your actions.

Holding your lover in your arms as they cry is a good example for a situation where you don't need to use any words. Giving a smile of appreciation, a nod to a stranger you see on the street, these are all non-verbal ways for us to communicate and where words don't need to be said. And is that because we make up the words in our own head when it happens or is it simply because we understand the actions and intent behind it all?

To change gears a bit, even now, as you're reading this (well, I hope someone at least is!) my words are making you think about things, maybe even making you feel certain emotions as you think back of those scenarios and possible memories and remember how things made you feel.

Words have a very strong impact on people. And the worst of all? You can never take back what you said.

Telling of tales

I've been mulling over this post for quite a while now. I feel like it's a little bit out of the norm of what I usually write about, which makes it quite tricky to put it into words while also still trying to respect privacy and keeping some distance between the internet and life itself.

With that said, however, I want to go ahead and make an attempt to do so.

As I've mentioned in several posts in the past, I've been struggling financially and living in poverty for quite the longest time now. I would like to open up a bit about that and give some more insight into my situation. But don't worry, things finally seem to be over and are in the upswing again.

Anyhow, to not dance around the subject any longer, it all started back on July 28th of 2012, so that's quite a while ago. My mom called me up from Serbia, where her and my dad live, and she told me quite some terrible news: my old man was in prison.

For my American audience the crime might seem more harsh than what it would be for, say, Dutch people. But to sum it up: he got caught with 2 KG (that's 4.4 lbs for you US folks) of weed. To put that into perspective of how much laws differ country to country; in the Netherlands you would get a slap on the wrist and you would be forced to some community work.

But Serbia looks at it completely differently. Over there, the minimum jail sentence is 3 years and it can go as high as 12. So as you can imagine, for someone who lives in the Netherlands, this all sounds quite absurd. Because it meant best case it would mean he'd be locked up for 3 years.

At the end of it all, he got 3 years, 3 months and 3 days. Luckily, due to laws and some more complicated stuff, he's getting out on March 6th 2014.

So, the reason poverty started after that is due to the fact that the old man's income got cut off along with all the extra money he funneled back here. I don't want to go into details as to how I stayed afloat for so long or how terrible the times were, because this is not a sob story. It really isn't. Promise. But let's just say that it was very rough and I ended up losing 23 KG (50 lbs) due to simply not having a lot to eat.

With that in mind as well, I would also like to thank all my friends who have helped me out during this time. I hope I expressed it enough to them in person, but if not, then let it be publicly known that each and every one of you are literal life savers.

But I digress--things were manageable during the early months of his sentence, mostly talking about the first 8 months or so. But then more bad news came my way, which was even more unexpected than the phone call I got from my mom back in July. Due to a chain of random coincidences, on April 6th 2013 I ended up discovering than my now-ex had been having an affair behind my back for 3 months.

Again, I don't want to go into details because this post does not exist to shame or call people out in a bad way. The circumstances don't really matter, the bottom line is that I was devastated and fell into quite a deep depression. I picked up smoking, sleep turned into a weekly thing and taking care of oneself was never on the agenda.

Once more, I want to regurgitate that I have amazing friends who were there for me whenever I needed them, no matter what day or time it was, who helped me through a lot of it.

Quite honestly, the next couple of months were a bit of a blur and I don't remember much of it, just that things kept getting worse and worse, financially and health-wise. But this brings me to the meat of the post, ironically, all the way towards the end of it; July 4th 2013, almost a year after my dad had been locked up, I ended up going on Omegle out of sheer boredom.

I can't really answer why I went there, let alone why I stuck around disconnect after disconnect just for being male. But really, did I have anything better to do? No, I didn't. So I kept going from person to person, not really getting past the any kind of introduction before people scurried off in search for the other sex.

But, good things come to those who wait. At least, that's what I'd say if it didn't sound so cheesy. But I finally found someone to talk to, and against all odds, it turned out to be a girl. Now, of course, I wouldn't be typing this if it just ended there. So you guessed it, we ended up adding each other on Skype afterwards and have kept contact ever since.

And for those with an even keener eye, who have been reading between the lines (or I guess, blog posts in this case) can now connect some dots of certain posts. And for those who can't or have simply forgotten my older posts, it simply comes down to me falling head over heels for her.

Now, I won't go on about how amazing or great I think she is, because this post is getting awfully long already, so I'll skip the gushing and fawning. But rest assured, she's brilliant. You're just going to have to trust me on that.

Of course, as mentioned earlier, this story actually has a happy ending. For her and I have been serious for quite some time now, and I can genuinely say that I'm a much happier person since I've had the pleasure of meeting her. Now, no one knows what the future holds, but as the Magic 8 Ball would say: "Outlook good."

So, to the special lady out there: Thank you.

Swelling with...

You know the feeling you sometimes get about someone else? The one that starts from within you, making you swell, and when it does happen, you can't help but let the other person know? Being proud of someone is a very interesting feeling.

What? Did you think I was talking about something else? Pervert.

Anyway, the reason as to why I think it's interesting is because why does it really happen? Usually it comes up in a situation where the other person stepped out of the comfort zone, and did something they usually wouldn't do, right? But why does that makes us feel good? When we feel pride in something we do, it's usually related to an accomplishment or something you feel good about making/doing.

So why, generally speaking, isn't the same applied when feeling proud of other people? It's not an on-going thing, usually. It happens once in the moment when they do it, and generally after that it becomes "normal" for them to do it again. Why is this?

But, to take a step back with this, where does pride come from? Do we feel proud about other's accomplishments because we didn't expect them they could do it, but wanted them to be able to? Is it because we imagine us in their shoes, thus feeling good about ourselves and them? But if it's the former, isn't that technically a bad thing? Because you're expecting them to not be able to do something--shouldn't you always have a positive attitude in regards to what your loved ones can accomplish?

Either way, just another ramble coming from me, I had no idea where I was really going with this. I think I just wanted to make the initial joke with this post.

The night is dark...

What is it about night time that makes humans think and contemplate?

Now, I'm not talking people who work night shifts exclusively and basically flipped the switch from day to night. But I mean when you can't sleep or just have to stay up late for one thing or another. Hell, even sometimes when just laying in your bed.

Why do we take this time to think about things? To reflect on the past and make plans for the future? But the weird thing about it is, it's generally very serious or gloomy, isn't it? We always think about the life questions, about the scary future or often about the things we regret.

Why is this? Is it because night time makes us assume the world is more depressing? The sun is gone, so the fun must be as well? It's a hard question to answer because there's things such as clubbing that only start once the night hits, so it can't be that. And what about the people mentioned earlier who flipped a switch? Wouldn't they be depressed and serious all the time, then?

Hell, even this post stems from the same problem. It's night time and your mind wanders to all the serious things in your life. One of my favorite activities is to sit on the window sill as music softly plays in the background, cigarette in hand and just looking outside--at life going on.

Employed unemployment

As the title suggests, I have a job. Catering for a casino. It sounds lovely. You get to dress nice, entertain guests, make food. The good stuff!

Except it's been two weeks and I have yet to be called in for my first day. Which is kind of frustrating. I mean, this has prompted me to look for another job, and when asked "Do you currently work?" I have to fill in yes, but I have yet to set foot in the place or do actual work.

So life has been pretty boring, still. Other than that, the old baby maker is leaving next week, so I'll finally have some quiet time again.

Honest lies

So, the car sale seems to be progressing into its final stages. It's sadly not quite the money I had hoped to get for it, but life is most certainly never fair and you got to play the cards you're dealt. I expect--well, I hope it'll be sold by the end of this week.

On another lighter note, I decided to go a convention tomorrow. I wasn't going to go, at all, due to lack of funds. But life has been dealing me blow after blow, so I figured I deserve a day off, so there's that. Expect pictures! Maybe? Maybe.

And to turn this around for a sec; what makes people lie? And I'm not even necessarily talking about straight-up lying, but just... omitting the truth. I mean, yes, that's technically a lie, but stick with me here. What makes people rather ignore a person, or push them away in desperation/fear/anger/whatever it is rather than just be honest with them?

What good does it do to treat a person that way? And I'm not even talking about the person being treated as such, they can go anywhere from being totally fine with it or broken, depending on how close the two of you are. Is it because it's easier? I can imagine that being a reason, it's easier to push a problem under the rug and just ignore it until it goes away.

But if you care about the other person, doesn't it pain you to lie to them? To see them be hurt about it? I can't imagine a lot of cases where telling the truth would hurt more than just being lied to/ignored constantly.

Well, except maybe the day I found out Santa wasn't real.